I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
