I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
