soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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