I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
