Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
