How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
