i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
