I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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