I think I won the penis lottery.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
