I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
