how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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