Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
