I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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