BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
