I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
