I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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