I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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