Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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