Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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