just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
