I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Do vagina's smell?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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