I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
this is an emotional support booty call
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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