I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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