if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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