Who wears a wallet chain?!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
