I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
