It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
