Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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