wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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