Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
