he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
