so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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