I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
