I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
