I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
