matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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