I need help removing her.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
