Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
