finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
