woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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