I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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