We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize