I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
