I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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