Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
