If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need a beard to bite.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize