Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
