I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
