the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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