I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize