he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You pole danced in your parka.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
