your parents love me but you hate me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
