So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
