I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
